Peace Bears

A few weeks after our package arrived from Sufficient Grace we had another package arrive. This one a mystery to us, one we weren't expecting. Even the address didn't give me any clues. I opened the box to find another bear . This one was from The Peace Bear Project .

An old friend of ours, Pastor Wayne who lives way down in the US , had told friends of his about Samuel . This is the couple who has The Peace Bear Project, which they started after their daughter Peace died . They send Peace bears to bereaved families, and we even got a personal handwritten note. We were so touched that people we didn't even know were reaching out to say " We understand and we care " 

So once again, if anyone ever wants to make a donation in memory of Samuel , this is another great organization. 

You can read about Peace Bears here :

Cyle & Patty Young 

Peace Bear Project

Our sweet gifts from people who have walked the same path ....

The Comfort Bear is wearing the baby hat that Halley made for her little brother Sammy ....

Sufficient Grace Ministries

It was a sunny day in March when a package I had been anxiously waiting for finally arrived at my house ....

A package I never thought would be sent to me ...

A package for a bereaved Mama ....

From a wonderful ministry.

Sufficient Grace Ministries .

A ministry provided for families who have experienced the loss of a child ...

Inside my box was my homemade Comfort Bear and a beautiful leather baby book ....

This bear has brought comfort most to my girls. They take turns sleeping with Sammy's bear everynight .

I am so thankful for this wonderful ministry ...

Who I might add :

Does not charge the bereaved family anything for the packages they send to them .

So please if you ever want to donate to something in Samuel's memory. John , the kids and I would love if you would donate to this wonderful ministry who has brought comfort to us and countless others in their time of loss .....

Sufficient Grace Ministries

Two Months ....

We're here ....

We've made it two months ...

On this path we never choose ....

The path of grief ....

Does anyone ever expect this? 

I mean really ?

I didn't .... I didn't expect this pain to touch me until much later ...

Until I was older ...

Right ?

Isn't that what we all choose to think. Yes, we know death could come. We don't know the year, the day, the hour or the minute , but it could touch us or a loved one at any second. 

It's human instinct I think to believe it won't happen anytime soon ...

So I have had to learn to give grace ...

 Learning that sometimes people just don't know what to say .

So there are those who say nothing ...

Which hurts the heart of a Mama who wants everyone to acknowledge her child ...

I 'm trying to understand that they just don't get it, they never met Samuel , so to them he probaly wasn't real 

If only they knew ...

If only they just closed their eyes and imagined ...

What it would have been like in the moment their baby was placed in their arms, and they felt that unconditional love .....

If they had had only hours to hold and love on their baby ....

and then said goodbye ....

Because a mother's love doesn't come after years ...

It comes the moment you find out your pregnant 

 and in that first moment after you make the final push with your body 

 and you hold your baby ...

 You are lost in a love that you know will never fade away ....

That love doesn't fade if your baby passes away ....

Instead your stuck in a world of love and deep sadness ....

So when the results came back :

My placenta, my fluid and the cord that joined me to Samuel ..

 Full of infection. 

Started from my body, made it's way through after I had labored ..

Was there even before the surgery to try to keep him put ...

Which meant the infection was in my Samuel, 

My sweet doctor looked and me and said " Shannon, even if you could have held on a few more weeks, it was too late, He would have suffered trying so hard to live, fighting off an infection he would have not been strong enough to fight outside of your body. 

Some of the weight came off my shoulders in that moment, but not the pain ...

It was too late ...

Could this have been prevented ? 

I have no doubt.

If everything had been caught early enough ....

If only the doctor that I had tried to tell I was having contractions just two weeks before it became an emergency, had listened and not brushed me off ...

Then Maybe ...

If the infection had been caught early enough and treated ...

Then Maybe ...

If the surgery had been weeks before instead of a desperate last resort ...

Then no doubt my Samuel would still be here ....

but :

For some reason It was not meant to be ...

Otherwise those steps would have fallen into place ...

Does that help ?

Not really ..

I still wish Samuel

 was here ...

I'm human ..

I feel loss, pain, hurt and sadness ...

Just as easy as I feel happiness and joy ..

So I wish :

That I didn't have to walk into the doctors waiting room and see pregnant bellies everywhere ...

Not making eye contact, praying none of them would ask me when my baby is due ..

Holding it in until my throat hurt, only to break down when I got put in a room...

I wish I didn't tear up every time someone says " I'm so sorry about your baby "

I wish the sight of you with your baby , or with your baby still tucked safely inside your womb ...

Didn't make me feel like I was being kicked while I was already down ...

I'm happy for your joy ...

 but it's a reminder ...

Of what we lost ...

I really wish I had spent two hours last night washing baby clothes , but instead I spent it trying to pick out the perfect flower arrangement for the top of my son's headstone ....

I really wish I wasn't in the category of one of the six women last year whose babies died at the hospital I delivered in ....

That is my reality though ...

That's the path I have been given ...

and now :

I have empty arms ....

Arms that were ready for Samuel ..

So this is where we are right now ....

It's not getting easier but we are figuring out how to live without him ...

The other night John and I started to list the things we were thankful for:

We had to...

If we didn't we will never get out of the deep pit ....

We take Joy and we are Thankful :

~ That Samuel never suffered , never knew pain ...

~ That we will never have to see him hurt ...

~ That we will never have to see him sad or cry ... 

~ That we will never have to watch him suffer with an illness ...

~ We will never feel anger or frustration with him ... 

~ We will never have to watch him struggle with anything life would have dished out at him ..

~ We will never wait up late at night for him to get home, praying he is kept safe ...

and it goes on .......

Of course there's the other side of that ....

Which is everything we will miss ...

but 

We try not to go there ....

That would just make all this so much worse ...

 We take comfort that Samuel is safe. He is Heaven, He is home ....

So when we close our eyes at night, We don't worry about Sam ...

We just miss him .....

 We are only 2 months into a lifetime of missing him ...

Which also means we are 2 months closer to holding him again ....

That's the silver lining folks !

We live on Faith and Hope ...

A New Normal

We are starting on a journey of a new kind of normal ....

The kind of normal that is still pretty much the same ....

but yet it's not ....

Our new normal is us living without one of our babies ....

Someone who will always be missing from our lives ....

That memory , That hurt , That sadness  

 will always be there ...

It might not show ...

We may get really good at hiding it  ...

 We've been told by others who have buried their babies ... 

The sadness will never completely go away ...

It will always be there ...

We will just learn to live with it in our lives ...

But none the less ...

We will always be thinking about our baby boy ...

Life will go on ...

But it will be always there :

Someone is missing ...

SAMUEL 

If we didn't have other children , it would be so easy to curl up in a ball in our misery and pretend that the world is not really turning . That can't happen when you have kids . You must get up every morning and proceed with life ....

 Live through the hurt ...

So school must still happen ....

Extra math with Daddy in the evenings will be happening ....

Little monkeys will still find new places to climb :)

We must eat ...

So egg cracking will commence !

My first one ever where there was no yolk !

How weird is that ?

Nerf bullets will be chilled in the fridge ....

Why ?

I'm still not sure ....

When I discover the answer to that question .

I will let you know  ....

Little man will dance around in princess shoes ....

Just to get a reaction :)

Winter fun will happen ....

While trying to stay warm ....

Pooches will be spoiled ...

Happy 3rd Birthday Wags :)

My phone will be borrowed ....

And filled with 200 silly pictures  ....

Snow tunnels will be built ....

Naps will be taken ....

Puzzles will come together ...

Little brothers hair will be done for fun by big sisters ....

Why ?

Because the sisters are bigger and they can ....

Plus he has such beautiful hair ....

He's thrilled :)

Can ya tell ?

Laughter will be heard ...

Hubby and I discovered this little gem of a show...

It follows a Christian family who became multimillionaires with the invention of their duck calls ...

Very Redneck !

Very Funny !

If you have a squeamy tummy, don't eat while watching in case they happen to be cookin' up some squirrel :)

If your already sad with the happenings in your life ....

Which I am very much ....

I suggest not watching :

THIS!

Which I did - Mistake !

SPOILER ALERT :

Everyone dies !!!

Ok, well maybe two whole people make it through , but everyone else does not  ...

It's called Les Miserables for a reason ...

It's Miserable!

So again : 

If you want to be depressed watch this :

If you want to laugh :

Watch this !

And at the end of everyday  ...

Will be the darkness ....

Night time is the hardest ...

Maybe its because everything happened when it was dark :

~ The ambulance ride to the bigger hospital

~ The emergency surgery to save Samuel from being born 

~ The night my labor was stopped with modern medicine

~ The night he was born

~ The same night he passed away 

~ It was dark when John & I had to hand our Samuel to a nurse to take him to the morgue 

Or maybe :

Things just seem harder at night ...

Despite it all ...

Despite our sadness ...

Despite our broken hearts ...

Life keeps moving on ...

But please be patient with us ...

We are learning how to live without our baby boy ....

Grief has no indication of time ....

A Special Gift

My husband brought me a gift last night ...

One so much better than roses any day ...

He gave me this pendant with Samuel's picture

I will wear it proudly around my neck ...

A reminder to everyone ...

That we have another child ...

A son ...

Whose life was brief on this earth ...

And who lives eternally with his heavenly Father ...

I guess by wearing this ...

I am saying :

Please don't forget we had a baby boy ...

His name is Samuel ....

A Poem for Sam

A Poem For Sam

Samuel John Blois

A product of love from John & Shannon

I'm special and loved by my family I know

I couldn't stay long cause God called me home

My home is in heaven with Jesus I'll stay

With family and loved ones I'll continually play

No sorrow or sickness or tears can be here

God's love is amazing ! There is nothing to fear

I've gone on ahead but we'll be together again

Where God's love will shine and life will not end

What a time we will have when you all come to see

The angels and Jesus, God's family & Me !

Dear Mommy & Daddy I know you are sad

But I'm home with Jesus and I'm really glad

Halley, Maggey & Cooper we'll all play someday

My brother and sisters together we'll stay

Hugs & kisses,

Sam & Jesus

My Uncle Johnny wrote this poem and made copies to pass out at Samuel's funeral. He also did wonderful programs to pass out :

Samuel's oldest sister Halley wrote this note to Samuel which was also read at his funeral .

Makes my heart warm to know how loved Sam was. How those little footprints were able to tug at heartstrings  ....

If Only ~ My Baby Boy

My son Samuel has lived in Heaven for 36 days now ....

The initial shock and disbelief that this has really happened has started to wear off a little  ...

Now we are in the " Trying to live with this " stage.

I keep replaying everything that happened in my mind, which helps no one and changes nothing I know ...

but for some reason it's where I go right now.

You see my baby boy didn't die because anything was wrong with him. He couldn't have been any healthier.

My body failed him ...

He was born to early ...

And he died ....

When your baby dies, you don't have memories banked of years together ...

You have lost the future together ....

You have the memories you would have made ...

and can only think about what you will miss ...

So we will always cling to the brief moments we had. 

The months I carried him ...

The two weeks that I fought to keep my body from pushing him out ...

The very few short minutes he lived and the 4.5 hours we held him.

We will never feel that it was enough....

I can't even express to you how much this stinks ....

How we feel this is just not fair ...

The many times John and I have looked at each other and said :

Why us ?

Why our little boy ?

 Why does everyone around us get to leave the hospital with their babies in a car seat  ?

 Why are we the ones whose baby had to come home in a casket ?

but then :

Why not ? 

We know there is a reason ...

God's plans are always best - even when we don't like it or understand it ...

We may never know while we are on this earth ..

Or maybe someday we will ...

I'm sure it will get easier ...

Though right now it doesn't seem so ...

There will come a day when we will be able to talk about Samuel without tears ...

Where I will wake up and not think :

" Shan, just get through the day "

So for now ,

I'm thankful for the time we had with him ...

As brief as it may have been ...

Psalm 139 : 13-16

The perfect little foot ...

That so reminds us of a little foot that now runs around this house ..

The foot of his older brother's ....

His tiny hand on his Daddy's finger ....

We prayed for him, we longed for him , we waited for him, we loved him ...

and we had to let him go ....

In Heaven there will be no more tears ....

No more Mommies & Daddies standing by tiny graves ....

So in the future when someone asks me how many children I have ...

The answer will always be " I have four children "

Halley, Maggey, Cooper 

& Samuel

Samuel was only here with us for a short time ....

Just long enough to leave a print on our lives ....

Long enough to change our lives ....

Just long enough to take a little piece of each one of our hearts with him when he left  ....


Right after Samuel passed away, my cousin wrote a note to us on my husbands Facebook. I have read and reread this 100 times. It was one of the nicest things anyone could have said .. Brings comfort to me every time I read it  ....

" I'd like to think that Sam was too special for this world. That God made him so wonderful, the only place he could live was with the Father Himself. And God, because of His love for you, Shannon and your family , let you meet him .... if only for a short time... So you would know and remember that you will meet him again someday. Then you will see and know why God kept him for Himself. God used you and Shannon to change Samuel from a thought in His mind, to an eternal being. When you meet Samuel again someday, he will stand before you and thank you for being his parents. For giving him life. "

Thanks Pam :)