My son Samuel has lived in Heaven for 36 days now ....
The initial shock and disbelief that this has really happened has started to wear off a little ...
Now we are in the " Trying to live with this " stage.
I keep replaying everything that happened in my mind, which helps no one and changes nothing I know ...
but for some reason it's where I go right now.
You see my baby boy didn't die because anything was wrong with him. He couldn't have been any healthier.
My body failed him ...
He was born to early ...
And he died ....
When your baby dies, you don't have memories banked of years together ...
You have lost the future together ....
You have the memories you would have made ...
and can only think about what you will miss ...
So we will always cling to the brief moments we had.
The months I carried him ...
The two weeks that I fought to keep my body from pushing him out ...
The very few short minutes he lived and the 4.5 hours we held him.
We will never feel that it was enough....
I can't even express to you how much this stinks ....
How we feel this is just not fair ...
The many times John and I have looked at each other and said :
Why us ?
Why our little boy ?
Why does everyone around us get to leave the hospital with their babies in a car seat ?
Why are we the ones whose baby had to come home in a casket ?
but then :
Why not ?
We know there is a reason ...
God's plans are always best - even when we don't like it or understand it ...
We may never know while we are on this earth ..
Or maybe someday we will ...
I'm sure it will get easier ...
Though right now it doesn't seem so ...
There will come a day when we will be able to talk about Samuel without tears ...
Where I will wake up and not think :
" Shan, just get through the day "
So for now ,
I'm thankful for the time we had with him ...
As brief as it may have been ...
Psalm 139 : 13-16
The perfect little foot ...
That so reminds us of a little foot that now runs around this house ..
The foot of his older brother's ....
His tiny hand on his Daddy's finger ....
We prayed for him, we longed for him , we waited for him, we loved him ...
and we had to let him go ....
In Heaven there will be no more tears ....
No more Mommies & Daddies standing by tiny graves ....
So in the future when someone asks me how many children I have ...
The answer will always be " I have four children "
Halley, Maggey, Cooper
& Samuel
Samuel was only here with us for a short time ....
Just long enough to leave a print on our lives ....
Long enough to change our lives ....
Just long enough to take a little piece of each one of our hearts with him when he left ....
Right after Samuel passed away, my cousin wrote a note to us on my husbands Facebook. I have read and reread this 100 times. It was one of the nicest things anyone could have said .. Brings comfort to me every time I read it ....
Right after Samuel passed away, my cousin wrote a note to us on my husbands Facebook. I have read and reread this 100 times. It was one of the nicest things anyone could have said .. Brings comfort to me every time I read it ....
" I'd like to think that Sam was too special for this world. That God made him so wonderful, the only place he could live was with the Father Himself. And God, because of His love for you, Shannon and your family , let you meet him .... if only for a short time... So you would know and remember that you will meet him again someday. Then you will see and know why God kept him for Himself. God used you and Shannon to change Samuel from a thought in His mind, to an eternal being. When you meet Samuel again someday, he will stand before you and thank you for being his parents. For giving him life. "
Thanks Pam :)
8 comments:
My heart is sad for you. I cannot imagine what you are going through. The little note was right . . . Samuel as too special for Earth.
Shannon,
Thank you so much for joining in with Walking With You. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet son, Samuel.
I remember well, after the loss of our Faith, Grace, and Thomas, the need to replay the moments...and sometimes to retell the story over and over for a time.
What beautiful pictures you have of your precious time with him. And, what beautiful words from your family member. Our hearts are aching with you as you take these tender steps into this journey...so fresh in the grief of your son. Praying for you and your family...may you know, even in this, you are not alone...and may you feel the comfort of God's love carrying you every step of the way.
Shannon....thank you for sharing your heart and your Samuel. So so precious.
Your post had my eyes *leaking* with pain for you and your family. I do know loss, but when you read it as fresh as you are experiencing/writing it, well, it sounds alive. Your words are alive..... I could feel your pain, but I also could feel your love for your precious son, Samuel....
Thank you so much for sharing your heart.... your son.
Thank you for sharing Samuel and your story on WWY. I'm glad you have joined us. I'm so sorry you had to say goodbye so soon. The time we are given never seems like enough. We cling to the only memories we have and the hope we will see them again.
I am so very sorry for your loss! I will be praying for you and your family. I hope that through God and through the women of WWY, you can find hope, comfort, support, and healing. Thank you for sharing Samuel with us. He is so handsome!
Shannon I am so glad you are writing and joining in walking with you. I think of you and pray for you so often. I know how very difficult the first weeks and months are. You are right that it will get easier even though it dose not feel like it now. I am praying for your family and friends to love and support you and for you to be able to get some school done.For you to have peace about not getting school done. I am praying for you and your husband, I know the stress deep grief can put on a marriage even a strong Christian one. I am praying your heat would heal and sleep and peace would began to come. I know I have told you before but if you ever need me I am here! Beautiful post it brought tears to my eyes. Love the pictures of your beautiful baby boy!
Such a beautiful post! Such a beautiful boy ! Thank you for joining us on this walk. I look forward to walking with you <3
Post a Comment