Peace Bears

A few weeks after our package arrived from Sufficient Grace we had another package arrive. This one a mystery to us, one we weren't expecting. Even the address didn't give me any clues. I opened the box to find another bear . This one was from The Peace Bear Project .

An old friend of ours, Pastor Wayne who lives way down in the US , had told friends of his about Samuel . This is the couple who has The Peace Bear Project, which they started after their daughter Peace died . They send Peace bears to bereaved families, and we even got a personal handwritten note. We were so touched that people we didn't even know were reaching out to say " We understand and we care " 

So once again, if anyone ever wants to make a donation in memory of Samuel , this is another great organization. 

You can read about Peace Bears here :

Cyle & Patty Young 

Peace Bear Project

Our sweet gifts from people who have walked the same path ....

The Comfort Bear is wearing the baby hat that Halley made for her little brother Sammy ....

Sufficient Grace Ministries

It was a sunny day in March when a package I had been anxiously waiting for finally arrived at my house ....

A package I never thought would be sent to me ...

A package for a bereaved Mama ....

From a wonderful ministry.

Sufficient Grace Ministries .

A ministry provided for families who have experienced the loss of a child ...

Inside my box was my homemade Comfort Bear and a beautiful leather baby book ....

This bear has brought comfort most to my girls. They take turns sleeping with Sammy's bear everynight .

I am so thankful for this wonderful ministry ...

Who I might add :

Does not charge the bereaved family anything for the packages they send to them .

So please if you ever want to donate to something in Samuel's memory. John , the kids and I would love if you would donate to this wonderful ministry who has brought comfort to us and countless others in their time of loss .....

Sufficient Grace Ministries

Easter

Have a blessed Easter .....

From our little Family .....

Sammy's first Easter spent in Heaven ....

How special is that !

Valentine Weekend Recap

Valentine's was a pretty simple affair around here this year. The kiddos got a few small treats ...

A.K.A. ~ A Sugar High ...

The little bear was to put on Sammy's grave. We go down every holiday. Yes, I realize Valentine's isn't technically a real holiday but it just felt wrong not to go visit his grave that day .

The kiddos wanted to make a gift for Daddy 

So Maggey got her birthday gift out from her Aunt Beth ~ An airbrush machine ! They donned Daddy's old t-shirts ...

And got right down to business ...

The finished product !

A shirt made with Love for Daddy :)

Which he wore to work the next day .... ( under his sweater ) :)

My parents were going overnight to visit my sister and brother-in-law's. So my sis invited the kids to come. Of course they all said Yes !!!

And got surprised with a trip to an indoor amuesment park

Which is the only kind of amusement park you can have in a place where it's cold at least 6 months of the year :)

So it seems ....

So they went on rides ....

braved the roller coaster ...

I was so happy to see their smiles in the pictures ...

They've had enough sadness for a while ...

and had a little fun in the snow too ...

It wouldn't be a sleepover without Cooper checking out how stable the bed is ....

Then it was all over ...

They settled in for the long ride home ...

I know they are very thankful for our old I-phones filled with games ....

They had a great time :)

Thanks  : Mimi, Bampi, Aunt Katie & Uncle Adam 

My Valentine's Day gift, blown up and framed ...

We went to Samuel's grave on Valentine's. It was my first time down since New Year's. I'm so glad it was a sunshine kind of day . I think it helped keep my emotions under control while we were there . My Dad made the cross so it's easier to find Sammy's spot under all the snow. His headstone will arrive the beginning of June, so until then I'm thankful for a marker I can see from the road . The plastic that's covering all the flowers and stuffed animals from the snow was frozen to the ground so we had to leave his Valentine's bear exposed to the weather ... We've had two storms since then so I'm sure it's more than buried and lost under the snow now.

One more reason I can't wait until summer ....

A Valentine for Samuel

Thank you Catherine :)

http://babyangelgarden.blogspot.ca/

A Sweet Gift

A beautiful gift arrived today via email ...

My Valentine's gift...

John ordered this for me ...

For us ... For our children ...

Samuel's name ...

Personally wrote in the sand by Carly Marie Dudley from Project Heal . Samuel's name was written at sunset in the beautiful white sand at Mullaloo Point Beach, North of the city of Perth in Western Australia .

This will be blown up on canvas and put on the wall in our living room.

Where we can look at it ...

Every.

Single.

Day.

Carly and her husband Sam started this project after their son Christian was born stillborn in 2007. Since then she has written over 16,000 children's names in the sand. 

You can read her story here :

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/

Miss Him

My cousin tagged this picture to my Facebook page this morning ...

 It just made my day :)

Love him  ....

Two Months ....

We're here ....

We've made it two months ...

On this path we never choose ....

The path of grief ....

Does anyone ever expect this? 

I mean really ?

I didn't .... I didn't expect this pain to touch me until much later ...

Until I was older ...

Right ?

Isn't that what we all choose to think. Yes, we know death could come. We don't know the year, the day, the hour or the minute , but it could touch us or a loved one at any second. 

It's human instinct I think to believe it won't happen anytime soon ...

So I have had to learn to give grace ...

 Learning that sometimes people just don't know what to say .

So there are those who say nothing ...

Which hurts the heart of a Mama who wants everyone to acknowledge her child ...

I 'm trying to understand that they just don't get it, they never met Samuel , so to them he probaly wasn't real 

If only they knew ...

If only they just closed their eyes and imagined ...

What it would have been like in the moment their baby was placed in their arms, and they felt that unconditional love .....

If they had had only hours to hold and love on their baby ....

and then said goodbye ....

Because a mother's love doesn't come after years ...

It comes the moment you find out your pregnant 

 and in that first moment after you make the final push with your body 

 and you hold your baby ...

 You are lost in a love that you know will never fade away ....

That love doesn't fade if your baby passes away ....

Instead your stuck in a world of love and deep sadness ....

So when the results came back :

My placenta, my fluid and the cord that joined me to Samuel ..

 Full of infection. 

Started from my body, made it's way through after I had labored ..

Was there even before the surgery to try to keep him put ...

Which meant the infection was in my Samuel, 

My sweet doctor looked and me and said " Shannon, even if you could have held on a few more weeks, it was too late, He would have suffered trying so hard to live, fighting off an infection he would have not been strong enough to fight outside of your body. 

Some of the weight came off my shoulders in that moment, but not the pain ...

It was too late ...

Could this have been prevented ? 

I have no doubt.

If everything had been caught early enough ....

If only the doctor that I had tried to tell I was having contractions just two weeks before it became an emergency, had listened and not brushed me off ...

Then Maybe ...

If the infection had been caught early enough and treated ...

Then Maybe ...

If the surgery had been weeks before instead of a desperate last resort ...

Then no doubt my Samuel would still be here ....

but :

For some reason It was not meant to be ...

Otherwise those steps would have fallen into place ...

Does that help ?

Not really ..

I still wish Samuel

 was here ...

I'm human ..

I feel loss, pain, hurt and sadness ...

Just as easy as I feel happiness and joy ..

So I wish :

That I didn't have to walk into the doctors waiting room and see pregnant bellies everywhere ...

Not making eye contact, praying none of them would ask me when my baby is due ..

Holding it in until my throat hurt, only to break down when I got put in a room...

I wish I didn't tear up every time someone says " I'm so sorry about your baby "

I wish the sight of you with your baby , or with your baby still tucked safely inside your womb ...

Didn't make me feel like I was being kicked while I was already down ...

I'm happy for your joy ...

 but it's a reminder ...

Of what we lost ...

I really wish I had spent two hours last night washing baby clothes , but instead I spent it trying to pick out the perfect flower arrangement for the top of my son's headstone ....

I really wish I wasn't in the category of one of the six women last year whose babies died at the hospital I delivered in ....

That is my reality though ...

That's the path I have been given ...

and now :

I have empty arms ....

Arms that were ready for Samuel ..

So this is where we are right now ....

It's not getting easier but we are figuring out how to live without him ...

The other night John and I started to list the things we were thankful for:

We had to...

If we didn't we will never get out of the deep pit ....

We take Joy and we are Thankful :

~ That Samuel never suffered , never knew pain ...

~ That we will never have to see him hurt ...

~ That we will never have to see him sad or cry ... 

~ That we will never have to watch him suffer with an illness ...

~ We will never feel anger or frustration with him ... 

~ We will never have to watch him struggle with anything life would have dished out at him ..

~ We will never wait up late at night for him to get home, praying he is kept safe ...

and it goes on .......

Of course there's the other side of that ....

Which is everything we will miss ...

but 

We try not to go there ....

That would just make all this so much worse ...

 We take comfort that Samuel is safe. He is Heaven, He is home ....

So when we close our eyes at night, We don't worry about Sam ...

We just miss him .....

 We are only 2 months into a lifetime of missing him ...

Which also means we are 2 months closer to holding him again ....

That's the silver lining folks !

We live on Faith and Hope ...